I’m happy even when I’m sobbing.

This is what I said in the Ashram kitchen. First, I said, Mataji! You’re drinking water. It makes me very 

happy when you drink water! Swami said, why is it that this makes you happy? Silence. Then, it came, I 

love her and I care for her, so I want her  to be well. Then, I realized, this is a different kind of happiness, 

a superficial happiness, that resides well above that deep happiness which is always there, on a 

subterranean level, even when I’m sobbing. What’s the difference, she asked me. The depth from which 

it comes and the source, I answered. So, Swami directed me, OK, now you have to write a blog! To which 

I, of course, jumped up and down and clapped!!!

The recent loss of my brother, Sergeant Gene Robert Brandes, Jr., has given me depth of being. A 

strength I have never known and a grounding into mySelf; I became of rock.

Of course, waves of grief came, and continue to come, but underlying this grief, is a deep upwelling of 

Eternal Bliss. Happiness and Joy are always there; in here; deep inside. This depth of happiness allows 

me to feel my emotions fully, so they pass more quickly and do not rock me to my core. Thus, I am able 

travel light years in the blink of an eye!  So, although My Bliss may not so readily bubble up while I am 

grieving my brother’s death, it is still there, deep inside, bubbling all the way up right beneath the 

surface, providing me that stable and grounding force to manage my grief, support my family and allow 

them to support me.